The rankings came out and I'm happy,relieved, crushed and disappointed all at once. I know I'm lucky I have an amazing coach and an amazing team. I know I'm talented and I know I have potential.
So, what's my problem? Why is there a block that stands in front of me and the next level? What is it that as soon as I can reach happiness I figure out a way to slap it away? What is it that makes me not accept success. I deserve good things to happen to me don't I? I work hard. I do my best to treat people well. I want this dream so desperately it's hard to breathe. So, what's wrong with me?
Every day isn't going to be a day I can PR, but i shouldn't ever miss weights I miss sometimes. I can never win. I think too much. I don't think about the right things. I'm not tough enough. I'm not confident enough. I give everything. I don't give enough. I do everything. I dont do enough. I'm trying but not hard enough. I need to be alone. I need the support. My goals are too high, be realistic. shoot for the moon. What am I missing? I try to relax in the gym and have fun but then I'm not focused enough or taking things seriously. I over-do it to under-do it.
It's a vicious circle. Weightliftings hard. Somebody wake me up.